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  “He’s better off dead. At least then he won’t be in any more pain. What does he have to live for, ay? He’s a fucking drug addict. Every day that he continues to breathe will just be more pain for him.” Gladys was upset and she shook her head as she looked at Shaun. Blowing her nose she stood up and walked to her son’s bedside. With her back to Mike she spoke.

  “That’s not my son lying there. My son died a long time ago. That’s just the shell of someone who used to be my boy.” She closed her eyes and hated that she was wishing her son dead. Her voice choked up as she tried to control her heartache but it was no good. Mike bolted up from his seat and placed his arm over her shoulder. She walked back to her chair and her body folded with desperation. Gladys tried to remove Mike’s arm but her sorrow was deep and she didn’t have the strength anymore for fighting. Standing beside her he leant over and kissed the top of her head.

  “I’m sorry love. I know it’s years too late, but this is all my fault. Me and my stupid fucked up life.” He knelt at the side of her legs. His head sank between his legs as the tears dripped from his face. Mike’s large body frame looked like it was melting. Reaching for her hands he pulled them onto his head.

  “I’ve held so much in for years and if I don’t get it off my chest I’ll go mad. I’m not the big hard man that everyone thinks. In fact I’m a fucking wreck inside.” Gladys looked at him and she shook her head. Why was she feeling sorry for him? It was her son who needed her attention not her ex-husband. She pushed him away.

  “It’s not about you anymore,” her eyes turned to Shaun. “It’s our son who’s lying over there that needs our help. He needed you, and all you ever done was turn him away.” Her voice was desperate as she stomped about the room. Her body faced him and she held her hands in the air. “For crying out loud he was a child when you left. How do you think that affected him?” Gladys was angry and her face was turning red as she let out years of frustration. “You don’t know the half of it, Mike. Where the fuck was you when he cried each night for his dad? Where were you when he fucking needed you?” Gladys screwed up her face as she leant in towards him. Her body was shaking from head to toe. She hadn’t finished. “I’ll tell you were you were, shall I?” Mike knew what was coming and sat up straight. He held his hand up to protect his body as she shouted into his face.

  “You were with your shag-bag. A woman who you barely knew! Fucking pretending to be a dad to her kids.” She was livid and stood with one hand on her hip as she continued. “You didn’t give a fuck about your own flesh and blood. What kind of man are you?” she sighed. She’d done it. Gladys had finally had the chance to tell him exactly what she thought of him and how he’d let everyone down not just as a husband but as a father too. She pulled herself together and fought back the tears. Gladys needed to get this off her chest for once and for all. This was her chance and she was holding nothing back.

  “Not once did you come and see your own three kids you cunt. You left me to it all and never gave me a fucking penny.” Gladys spat into his face and her body was shaking furiously. The nurse entered the room and looked concerned. She asked if everything was alright and went to Shaun’s side checking his notes. She kept on turning her head looking at them both. Once she’d finished attending to the patient she came to where they were seated. She spoke in a stern voice.

  “I don’t know what’s going on in here, but this man is very poorly and he doesn’t need you two arguing at his bedside. Can I suggest that you keep your bickering until you leave.” The nurse was a middle aged woman. Her plump figure waddled about the room, her dark hair was scraped back from her face and you could tell she wasn’t in the mood for any back chat.

  Mike felt embarrassed and told her they were sorry. He promised to keep the noise down. The nurse huffed and left the room. The silence was eerie as Mike wiped the spit from his face, the relationship between them had always been heated from the first day they met.

  Mike walked over to the bed and held his son’s hand. He rested his head on the bed. Everything in his life had now come back to haunt him. The mistakes he’d made in the past were now staring back at him in the shape of his son. Mike wanted to clear the air. He could hear Gladys sighing behind him but that didn’t stop him. He needed her to know the truth.

  “Gladys please just let me explain why I was the way I was.” Biting her bottom lip she knew she had to curb the anger she felt inside and let him have his say.

  “In the home, the care system, whatever you wanna fucking call it, they beat us regularly. I don’t mean a slap across your head or a slapped hand, I mean they proper beat us.” Mike clenched his fist and shown her what he meant. His knuckles were white as he slammed his fist into his flat palm of his other hand.

  “The teachers were bastards. They were all like army sergeants. When I first went into care they seemed okay, but as time went on I knew not to fuck about with them.” Gladys nodded slowly. His voice was distressed. “The punishment for anything we did wrong was the cane or the slipper.” Gladys looked confused. She didn’t understand what he meant. Mike’s voice was loud and you could tell he was getting emotional as he stood up and acted out the punishment he received in the care home.

  “They made you pull your pants down touch your toes and look the other way whilst they whacked your arse. The first time I had the slipper I screamed. It fuckin’ murdered I can tell you.” Mike’s face was smiling as his body dropped and he touched his toes. Gladys forced a smile as he turned his head acting out as if he was getting the slipper. His body went stiff as if he’d been whacked on the arse and he hopped about the room showing her how the lads all used to run about after the first strike. He made Gladys laugh for the first time. She sat back and cupped her hands together. She looked so different when she smiled. Mike huffed.

  “It sorted out the men from the boys I can tell you. We use to take bets on how many whacks you could take without screaming. Fucking hell Gladys by the end of the first few months my arse was like leather. I became immune to the pain.” His face looked stern as he showed her the way he looked at the teachers and fear ran through her veins as she remembered the face of her abuser.

  “They knew I could take the pain in the end. That’s when the real beatings started coming. I should have just screamed like the others and perhaps they would have left me alone, but me being me I couldn’t help being a smart arse.”

  Gladys agreed with him. “Yeah you was always a stubborn sod.”

  He continued. “The teachers would all gather round me and wait until the final blow had been struck. If there were still no tears they all took their turn in punching me.” Gladys looked at him and wondered why he had never told her this before. The man she saw in front of her was someone she didn’t really know, even though she’d been married to him for years. As she watched him she could see the pain in his face as he remembered every little detail as if it was yesterday.

  “Mr Woodcock was a right bastard. He knew he couldn’t break me and knew it would take something more. That’s when it all started.” Mike stood up and told her he was going outside for a smoke. He was agitated now and going over his life was stressing him out big time. “Are you coming outside for a cig?” Shaking her head she declined. She was dying for a fag but she didn’t want to be too friendly with him. Reaching for his coat pocket on the chair he found his Benson and Hedges cigs. Pulling one from the packet he asked could he borrow her lighter. She bent down and rummaged in her handbag.

  “Here, make sure you bring it back!”

  “Fucking hell I’m going outside, not to Spain.” Mike fired back.

  “Once a thief, always a thief!” Gladys replied, shaking her head as he left.

  Shaun looked at peace as she stroked his greasy hair. His skin was gaunt and his cheekbones were sticking out from his face. His bone structure looked long and thin. Several spots were round his mouth and his lips looked cracked and sore. Gladys poured a glass of water for herself and dipped her finger inside it. Slowly she pla
ced the water on his lips and softly rubbed it into his skin. Shaun had great shaped lips and some women would have killed for them. As she held his hands she looked at the track marks. As her fingers followed each purple vein up his arm she felt sick inside. She whispered into Shaun ears.

  “What’s happened to you son? I know I’ve not always been there for you, but I had things going on myself. You were a handful as a kid you know?” Her head fell onto the bed as Mike walked back into the room. He could see she was upset and came to her side. She inhaled deeply smelling the aroma of smoke from his clothes.

  “He’s gonna pull through you know. He’s strong inside. I know he is.” Mike held her hand and this time she didn’t pull away. He was all she had at the moment as her sister had left the hospital hours before. If he hadn’t been there she would have gladly curled up and died. The sound of the door opening made them both turn round. As they looked Paul was stood there with a look that would kill spread across his face. He’d seen Mike’s hands on his mother’s body and gritted his teeth together. He looked at his father and snarled.

  “Mam, why’s he here?” His eyes pierced into his father’s head. Gladys removed Mike’s hand from her body now aware of how it looked to her son. She walked back to her chair. Paul faced his father and looked him straight into the eyes. It was now his time to set the record straight. He’d waited for this day for years and now it was here he was letting him have it.

  “No point giving a shit now is there Dad? It’s your fault his head’s fucked up in the first place.” Mike bit onto his bottom lip and clenched his fist. The anger was written all over his face as he tried to control his temper. Gripping the bedclothes he spoke to his son for the first time in years.

  “Listen, Shaun decided to shove drugs into his body not me. He is the one to blame for his life. We’ve all had shit to deal with haven’t we?” Paul sat on the chair next to his mother. He stared at the floor for a few minutes and couldn’t hold his tongue any longer. The man he saw in front of him now was old and he knew he could floor him with one punch. He felt no remorse as he continued.

  “What shit did you have to deal with? You fucked off and left three kids and led a single life. So don’t tell me about dealing with shit. I did your fucking job for you.” Paul was livid as he spoke with hatred to his father. “If you would have only showed one bit of interest in any of your kids’ lives we might not be here today.” Paul’s words cut Mike in half. His shoulders melted and he knew his son was speaking the truth. Mike sighed and started to speak but Paul stopped him dead in his tracks as he held a flat palm in front of his face.

  “Save it for someone who gives a fuck, ay dad. Don’t try and explain anything to me because I don’t want to hear it. If you want to cleanse your soul, tell my mam because she’s listened to your bullshit for years. It doesn’t wash with me, so don’t waste your breath.” Gladys shook her head and tried to calm him down. Mike sprung to Paul’s side with his temper pumping.

  “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? Where’s your respect gone?” Paul held his head back and laughed before he stood up to meet his dad’s eyes. They were nose to nose. Gladys jumped between them pushing them apart.

  “For fuck’s sake this isn’t the time or the place for this. Will you both leave it out?” Paul never lost eye contact. Mike looked from side to side and knew she was right. Grabbing his coat from the chair he told them he was going outside for another cig. Paul watched him leave and let his mother have a piece of his mind.

  “Tell you what mam, you must be fucking desperate.” Gladys looked puzzled.

  “What are you going on about?”

  “Fucking holding hands all nicey, nicey. Have you forgotten what he’s done to you in the past? Your son’s lying there half dead and you’re all over him like a rash. Get a grip woman and sort it out otherwise I’m off.” Gladys jumped up and defended herself.

  “It’s not what you think,” she was by his side trying to stop him moving away. “Just listen for a minute will you, before you get on your high horse.” Paul couldn’t look her in the face. “I was upset and he was just trying to comfort me, that’s all.”

  Paul shouted at her as he paced the room with speed in his step. “Shame he didn’t comfort you when he used to knock ten bags of shit out of you isn’t it? Have you forgotten what he did to you?” He raised his arms above his head and pulled at his hair. He focused on the bed and with tears in his eyes he sat next to his brother. His mother sat shaking her head but left him alone as she could see he was angry. She grabbed her coat and headed outside carrying her cigs.

  “Oh I don’t know!” she mumbled.

  Paul had always hated that his brother was a heroin addict. He could never come to terms with what had happened to Shaun over the years. It was much easier to blame everyone else for his life so that’s what he did. The room felt cold and Paul just stared at Shaun, shaking his head as tears ran down his face.

  “Fucking hell our kid, how has it come to this? I know I’ve disowned you but I still fucking love you, ya muppet.” Gripping the lifeless hand he placed it on his head and sobbed. Shaun’s body twitched and Paul raised his head in shock. He stood from his chair and shook his brother softly.

  “Wake up, wake up,” he ranted but Shaun remained comatose. His words were wasted as Shaun was in another world and by the look on his face he was in some kind of pain.

  “Please God don’t let him die!” Paul whispered.

  Chapter Four

  At the age of fifteen Shaun Cook could see himself stood in the juvenile courtroom in Manchester. He looked confident and as if he didn’t give a shit about anything that was going on around him. He’d been to court loads of times in the past and all he ever got was a slap on the wrist, so he thought today was going to be no different. How wrong he was! As the charges were read out they consisted of shoplifting robbery and burglaries. To look at the angelic boy that stood in the dock you would have thought butter wouldn’t have melted in his mouth. Shaun’s dirty blonde hair just covered his eyes and his golden skin made his blue eyes stand out. He was fidgeting.

  Shaun was dressed in a white thick knitted jumper and faded jeans. As you watched him you could tell the jumper was aggravating him round the neck as he yanked at it. His mother sat at his side whispering for him to keep still. Anton, Shaun’s solicitor, read out his personal circumstances as Gladys held her head in shame at the side of him. Shaun never showed any emotion as the sentence was passed. He was trying to look strong. To tell you the truth he didn’t realise how serious it all was. His eyes were all over the courtroom as his hands gripped the wooden frame in front of him. The words of the magistrate were like swords being stabbed into his mother’s heart. He looked at her face as he told the young boy he was going into the care system. She looked white in the face. Shaun swung his body around and chewed on the sleeve of his jumper.

  The social worker came to his side and led him through a side door closely followed by his sobbing mother. Gladys’s heartache was visible as she passed the people in the courtroom. “Heartless bastards,” she whispered. The prosecution were whispering to each other and she knew they all felt she was a failure as a parent. Pulling her coat together with a shaking hand she passed through the door at the back of the courtroom.

  Shaun was sat on a chair swinging his legs about as his mother entered. He wore a vacant look as she sat beside him. Gladys watched all the people pass her and stared at her son before she spoke.

  “You’ve done it this time lad. I can’t save you now.” Shaun screwed his face up and folded his arms across his chest. His face was cocky and he spoke with an attitude.

  “Mam, I’m not even arsed. It gets me away from round here doesn’t it?” Grabbing his arm she pulled him towards her and cradled him in her arms. Gladys inhaled the smell from his head and slowly kissed his head. Shaun sat and looked around the room. He didn’t look bothered about what had just happened. The social worker now came to his side and knelt down in front of the
m both, looking into Shaun’s eyes. She could see his mother was struggling to cope and gave her a moment more before she spoke.

  “How are you Shaun? My name is Joan and I’m going to be dealing with you whilst you’re in care. You are going to Beachvale care home in Blackpool. It’s a lovely place.”

  “Fucking Blackpool!” Gladys screamed. “How on earth am I supposed to get up there. I haven’t got a pot to piss in!” she gasped. Joan didn’t know how to answer her question and continued speaking as Gladys huffed at the side of her.

  “There are around fifty boys there. The care workers are great.” Shaun held no expression on his face as he read the notices on the board in front of him.

  Joan was a middle-aged woman with frizzy brown hair. Shaun looked at her large brown spectacles and covered his mouth as he whispered to his mam. “She looks like Deirdre Barlow from Coronation Street doesn’t she?” Gladys tried to force a smile but her heart was broken in two. Her hands looked old and wrinkled as she rubbed her son’s hand in hers. Joan told them that once all the paperwork was ready she would be the one taking Shaun to his new home. Gladys burst into tears and spoke. Her voice was desperate and at one stage she was nearly on her knees begging Joan to help her.

  “When can I visit him? Say he doesn’t like it, can he come home?” The social worker stood to her feet. Joan had seen this heartbreaking moment so many times in the past and felt the woman’s pain. Looking around the room she began to speak.

  “You can visit once a week, but he can write to you every day if he wants.” Shaun shrugged his shoulder.

  “Fuck that!” he mumbled. He could barely read or write and knew deep down inside he wouldn’t be writing endless letters. Joan now asked them to follow her. The time was nearing for him to say goodbye to his mother and the life he knew in Harpurhey.